It's okay to laugh at my expense...

The following comes as promised at the end of "Lies! And how they make for a good story". To my readers, I reward you with a great and truthful story that has remained in the darkness of my memories. Thank God I can't remember the following story actually happening. I can only recount it as it was told to me. And although I cannot remember it, which means I took no part in the decision making, it's still pretty embarrassing. Therefore, like I mentioned in my previous posting, I will try and keep my dignity by calling myself "Pupita" (it'll all make sense, I promise!)

In a remote town in the high hills of Jalisco, a little girl's hair refused to grow. Pupita was about 2 or 3 years of age, or somewhere in between,  but still had the same baby hair she came out of the womb with. Pupita was the youngest of four siblings, all born one year apart.
A lady named Rosa took a liking to Pupita and since the house was always wild, Pupita's mother would let Rosa take Pupita home with her for a few hours.
One day, Rosa tells Pupita's mother of a remedy that would make Pupita's hair grow. Pupita's mother wanted no part of it. Not because she didn't believe in home remedies, but because this one was a stretch. A few weeks later, Rosa asks Pupita's mother if she could take Pupita for a few hours and she agreed. When she returned, Pupita was completely bald and smelled of fresh turned soil and "fertilizer". Pupita's mother immediately knew what had been done to her daughter.

According to this "home remedy", if you shaved a child's head and smeared fresh cow poop, their hair would grow. I'm not sure if they thought hair grew like crops and that you could treat them the same, BUT IT DOESN'T!!! For a LONG time, I, I mean Pupita, had to wear a beanie that had two fake braids sewn onto it!

Another lie, but yes, it does make for a good story.

There. It's out.

This one's for young parents

Babies, what a joy! They eat, sleep and poop. In between their busy schedule, they might give you a coo here, a smile there, and unfortunately, an occasional case of the hiccups (which often times leads to a baby puke stain on your shirt).
"How can I help my little spit angel?" you may wonder. That my dearest, is a simple task. When your little one gets a nasty case of the hiccups, just follow these simple instructions and problem solved!

1) Locate a piece of RED string. (If ever in question, match the color of the string to the color of the word and you're good)
2) Put said string in your mouth making sure you get it nice and wet.
3) Remove string from your mouth and stick it to your little one's forehead.

Voilà! No more annoying hiccups preventing you from enjoying your munchkin.

** Note:
Don't be alarmed if your child suddenly looks cross-eyed. You're baby is just trying to make sense of what their crazy mother/father just did to them!

Lies! And how they make for a good story!

After an extensive research of my memories, I realized I have encountered a few instances where I've been misguided, or lied to, by some extravagant myth I took as fact...but they make for a good story!

Who ever decided radishes are Tacos' best sidekick is a genius! Especially if you sprinkle your radish slices with salt and drench'em in lime juice. Little did many know (or so I was told) if you ate enough radishes before Ms. Puberty came around they would help your boobs grow. As soon as I heard that, I ate those suckers like nobody's business! Let's just say, when I went out for tacos they would give an extra plate, baggie or foil sheet just for my radishes.
But then a black cloud of reality came over me when Ms. Puberty came to do her thang to me, like those child-bearing hips and, well...you know, stuff happens. The radishes though, they lied. They watched Ms. Puberty visit me, change me and leave me, but they never interfered. Damn them! My boobs show no sign of a radish obsession!!
(Dear Boobies,
I love you just the way you are. I'm just venting. You know, feel a little lied to, and well, just needed it to be out there. That being said, why didn't you get the radish memo???) Oh well!

The next story is currently under debate. It must be further investigated before I actualize it. Well, it's really much more embarrassing. So for the sake of the story, (and my dignity) I shall call myself Pupita.
Be back soon....

3 second rule vs. The Devil

Everyone knows, whether you believe it, that the Devil lives "downstairs". In the event of your death, you will find yourself in this place if you were bad while you lived on earth. Therefore, your goal is to stay clear of the line between good and bad...well, occasionally dance on it a little, but that's it!
But I bet you didn't know he also licks your food when it falls to the ground. He does not honor the three second rule! Oh no, this dude immediately rubs a big and slimy tongue all over your goodies. Being the Devil he is, who knew he has a sense of humor?! Que Cabron! That sucker hopes you pick it up and eat it so he can get a good laugh! I always wondered when he had the time to lick my paleta when he was so busy collecting souls, but my Mom swore the Devil licked anything you dropped! He must have workers or something.
I think this story is told so kids don't eat the food that has hit the ground. However, let's consider the following comic, yet insightful literature of the Adventures of Pepito:

Pepito and his grandmother are walking home from church, Pepito enjoying his paleta (Popsicle) he had so anticipated for during the looooong mass. On his way home, he accidentally drops it. As he was on his way down to pick it up, his grandmother stopped him and says
     "No Pepito, the Devil has licked it."
Pepito, though clearly very distraught, obeyed and left his longed for paleta on the ground.

The following Sunday, Pepito accompanied his grandmother to church yet again, and once again on their way home an unfortunate event happens. Pepito's grandmother tripped and fell.
She calls for Pepito, "Help me, pick me up!!"
Pepito, astute from his previous experience, responds "nope, the Devil has licked you!"

And he runs off!

Stye in your eye?!

According to my growing up, styes come from dogs. Oh yes! All it took was for you to watch them take a poop and bam! A stye in your eye! (Unfortunately, it was not for you to decide which eye.)

You might think "I'm doomed to pink, gooey volcanoes erupting from my eyes for the rest of my life!" But don't be discouraged my dear readers, all is not lost. In order to prevent styes, all you have to do is 1) not look at your (or a) dog while it's pooping and/or 2) The magic weapons: your hands! All you need to do is this (make sure you add some force to that finger grip):

Through telepathy, you can tighten the dog's butt hole. The tighter your grip, the harder it becomes for the dog to poop. Hence, no poop, thus no stye!!! 

Yours Truly,

MGT